So I finished Mass Effect 3, and decided to try my hand at being funny on the Internet about video games, because that’s an original idea if I ever heard one.
The engine is nice, I liked the pixels and so on. You know the drill.
I’m going to concentrate on things I hate, because that’s the sort of thing that sticks in my brain.
The controls
It’s important I shout about these, because it’s an easy thing to shout about. The Shepard controls like he’s a bar of soap in the bath, only instead of water, the bath is filled with lube. Which moron decided that Enter Cover, Sprint and Use should be one key? This was a problem in Mass Effect 2, only the same bunch of monkeys decided to make Shepard “more agile”. That just means “Shepard likes rolling”. Heads up, kids — that only works if you’re Link. In Mass Effect, you just end up rolling into walls and making a fool of yourself. Or NPCs. Or rolling away from chest high walls and suddenly finding you’re full of lead because you didn’t hold space for long enough.
The Multiplayer
This is the part where I shout about how much I hate the multiplayer, and when I started this I did hate it. Only then I played more of it and now I love it. With more maps and game mods, this really justifies the price of the game (where that hideous ending brings it down). You’ll get your arse handed to you on a plate early on, but it scales nicely with experience. Seriously. Go play it.
The endings
This is the part where I get angry! Cover your eyes if you don’t want spoilers, but I’ll try and be vague. So you’re playing Mass Effect, nearing the end, someone’s cutting onions as you chat with an old friend when you see a white platform rise.
Close Mass Effect. Game over. Everyone lives happily ever after. Imagine Shepard jumps into space and punches Harbinger to death, I don’t care. It makes substantially more sense than what happens next.
God appears. Surprise! In the form of that annoying kid you hated from the start.
And he gives you three choices.
“Control all Reapers”
“Combine synthetics and organics to create a new… DNA” (I told you it didn’t make sense)
“Destroy all synthetics”
Also whatever you do the Mass Relays explode, killing everyone in the Galaxy and stranding all survivors. Nice job, hero. In fact, the only change between the endings is the colour light you get. I don’t actually know which one I chose, but I got red light.
